Tips from Sex Therapists on How to Talk About Sexual Needs with Your Partner

Sparks fly, passions ignite and romance sizzles at the beginning of a relationship. Getting under the sheets is frequent, fun, and exciting. Then when a couple enters the long-term relationship stage, the roaring fire becomes a slow and steady burn. 

But what happens after kids? Most of us have experienced a drop in our sex life once the little ones enter our lives. From changes to our sex drive that occur with age, and lack of time to the effect of parenting stress on mental health, it’s easy to let the fire die out. 

Sex can help contribute to a healthy relationship as it increases bonding, connection, and intimacy. It’s important for couples to learn how to communicate their sexual needs.

Related: 12 Tips For Spicing Up Your Marriage When You’re in a Rut 

We spoke to certified sex therapists and sexologists Dr. Jennifer Litner, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, and Heather Shannon, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist to get their supportive, non-judgemental advice and tips on how to talk to your partner about sexual preferences.

Tips from a Certified Sex Therapist for a Great Sex Life

A national US study looked at factors that contribute to long-lasting sexual satisfaction. It showed that sexual satisfaction and maintenance of passion were associated with the following:

• Having sex frequently
• Receiving oral sex often
• Experiencing consistent orgasms
• Incorporating a variety of sexual acts
• Mood setting
• Communicating about sex

We spoke with Dr. Jennifer Litner, Ph.D., LMFT, CST – an experienced sexologist, sex educator, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness – to get her tips to have a fulfilling sexual relationship:

Prioritize mutual pleasure in the relationship 

Make sure to do things together that you both enjoy, not just the things that have to get done. Parenting is hard and exhausting and partners need to make space to have fun together.

Approach your sex life as a team 

When partners understand that sexual concerns are relational and avoid assigning blame to one another, they tend to be more successful in maintaining intimacy.

Make your partnership a priority on a regular basis 

This could mean you have a weekly date to the grocery store together, grabbing a quick bite before picking up kids from activities, or a regular date on a weekly or monthly basis.

Keep the sexual connection alive

Relationships and intimacy require consistent effort. Make it a priority to have these moments of connection with your partner by engaging in ongoing flirtation, physical affection, making time for sexy time, and honest conversations where you each check in about your sexual needs.

How to Prioritize Your Sexual Needs When You Have Kids

Some might believe that declining sex life is part of the natural course of a relationship when kids enter the picture. It’s hard to make time to enjoy each other’s company when there are diapers to change, bottles to wash, and tantrums to console. 

After having a baby, new responsibilities, lack of sleep, and the constant worry of parenting can be barriers to maintaining intimacy and connection with your partner.

Heather Shannon, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Host of the top-ranked “Ask A Sex Therapist” podcast gave specific advice for parents who want to have a good sex life even after having a baby.

Prioritize Quality Time with Your Partner Without Kids 

“People talk about how expensive childcare is or how it’s so hard to find someone good. My thought is that a babysitter a couple of times a month or once a week is a lot cheaper than a divorce. It’s a lot cheaper than hiring an intimacy coach or sex therapist,” said Shannon. 

Some new parents may feel guilty taking time for themselves and worry about not putting their kids first, but prioritizing your relationship is actually one of the best things you can do for your mental health as a parent and a partner. 

“You get to put the stressors aside for a few hours and be really present with each other and remember you’re not just a parent — you’re also a sexual being. 

So, get creative if your budget is tight — swap babysitting nights with another couple if you have to and take turns watching each other’s kids. But do not skip out on this — quality time is not negotiable in your marriage,” Shannon explained. 

Understand Libido Changes Among Men and Women

A person’s libido and sexual activity levels can vary throughout their life due to a number of reasons including life circumstances, mood, hormonal changes, stress levels, partner characteristics, relationship problems, family issues, medical conditions, and medications.

Dr. Litner advises, “During the onset of andropause and menopause, people may find themselves experiencing a decrease in desire for sex due to the hormonal shifts that are happening, but these changes are typically temporary.

If changes in libido cause significant distress, I recommend people consult with a sexual medicine specialist and/or a sex therapist to address their concerns.”

Common Barriers to Intimacy After Kids

It’s normal for couples to put their relationship on the backburner after having kids. Shannon shared that 70% of marriages decline in the first year after having kids according to the Gottman Institute.

Some of the common barriers to building intimacy include:

• Decreased privacy
• Intense fatigue/limited energy
• Change in stressors
• Limited personal time 

“Based on my clinical experience, I see couples struggling with lack of sleep, more demands on their time and energy, less alone time to decompress or pursue hobbies, less time with friends, a greater burden of responsibility emotionally and financially, less quality time with each other, problems finding adequate child care and higher stress levels,” adds Shannon.

Does Breastfeeding Affect Sex Drive? 

Breastfeeding after giving birth can also affect a woman’s sex drive. “Breastfeeding lowers libido and people who give birth are in a hormonal state similar to menopause directly after the baby is born. 

Once hormones have rebalanced and kids are a bit older and more independent, much of this ease, but it never goes back to the pre-child level, so ultimately people need to find tools and resources to cope and to consciously re-prioritize intimacy,” Shannon explains.

Is it Okay to Schedule Sex?

Yes, it’s okay to schedule sex if it works for you and your partner. For some couples, scheduling sex can be really effective, especially if they have super-packed schedules.

Dr. Litner shares, “I find that if partners don’t make time for sex, it can very easily fall off their radars.”

However, this doesn’t necessarily mean sending a meeting request with sex as the only agenda item. This can make getting intimate seem like a chore or part of a checklist. Sex can still be exciting and fun.

“I usually recommend partners plan a convenient time to connect and then decide how they’d like to use that time when it arises. That way, if sex is on the menu that night it can be somewhat spontaneous — they just know they have that time earmarked to spend time together to do something pleasurable,” advises Dr. Litner.

Healthy Communication is Key to a Healthy Sex Life

Most of us don’t feel comfortable talking about our sexual experiences. It can be even more uncomfortable to ask how our partner feels about sex, likes or dislikes or to share their sexual fantasies. From the way we grew up, and feelings of shame around sex to the negative messages society tells us about having sexual desires, sex is often a difficult topic to bring up. However, couples who have open communication about their sexual needs are more likely to have a satisfying sex life. 

A study looked at the relationship between general and sexual communication and overall and sexual satisfaction. It included data from 116 heterosexual, monogamous couples who have been together for at least three months. 

The results showed that having open sexual communication was significantly associated with overall relationship and sexual satisfaction. In addition, the impact of open sexual communication on sexual satisfaction was stronger among couples with longer relationship durations.

It’s important for couples to check in with each other about their sex life. It’s hard to know what your partner wants if there is no communication. Talk about how they feel about your sexual connection, their sexual preferences, and how they can help increase sexual satisfaction.

 However, be sure to consider the best time to bring up the topic. (i.e. Not in the middle of an argument).

Talking About Sex Prevents Resentment 

Shannon advises, “One mistake I see countless people make is waiting until there’s a fight or it becomes a huge problem to address it. Many people have a hard time just bringing it up out of the blue, but I strongly encourage you to do so! 

A key to bringing it up is to start with a positive intention or compliment. This is what the Gottman Institute calls “the softened startup” and if the convo goes well for the first 3 minutes, you have eliminated 90% of the arguments, which is pretty cool.”

Questions to Ask Your Partner for a Better Sex Life 

Shannon shared some examples of questions to start the sex talk:

• “Hey babe, I miss you. I miss us! I know it’s different with kids obviously, but can we brainstorm some ways to get some sex time together? It’s important to me that we don’t just let it slide.”
• “You know, I think we’ve done a really good job working as a team since (insert baby’s name) was born. Could we also put our heads together about our re-prioritizing our sexual connection?”
• “I want us to be a couple that’s still flirty and sexy with each other even though we’re busy. I was thinking maybe we could have the grandparents come over every other Friday night to babysit so we can have a date night and maybe some sexy time if you play your cards right!”

It is possible to maintain a healthy sex life after kids. Working together as a team, planning moments to connect, and having open communication about your sexual needs and desires are great ways to revitalize your relationship and deepen your bond. 

If you still need more help reigniting the sexual spark in your relationship, couples therapy, sex therapy, and/or connecting with a relationship expert can offer helpful advice for your sexual problems.