Q
My eighth-grader is not at all interested in getting involved in school activities (dances, various clubs, movies) or even just "hanging out" with kids his age. His grades are okay but I don't think he is performing at a level he is capable of. Both my husband and I are in the US Navy and this is my son's seventh school. I'm sure there is a connection between all the moves and him being a bit antisocial, but he is surrounded by other military kids in the same situation. I have told him several times that if he wants to go and do anything that I will be glad to take him. He just seems uninterested in getting involved. How worried should I be?
A
I can tell that your son's lack of involvement really worries you. Here are some ways you can help.Identify activities you think he would do well in and enjoy. Schedule a time when you and your son will be together with other families. Take an active role in introducing him to these people (and their children). If no opportunities exist, invite coworkers to your home who have children close to your son's age. Contact the school and learn about opportunities for clubs and sports or computer labs. Tell the teacher or school counselor about your family's frequent relocation and your desire for him to get more involved in school life so she can actively seek ways he can "make a name" for himself at this new school. Require that he attend something at school three times (a club, sporting events, computer or ecology lab). Contact the school sponsor of these events if your son would like to have another student become his mentor. After the third time, ask your son how he feels about the activity. If he does not want to continue, let him stop. Usually the hard part is just getting to the first meeting and walking into a room where he doesn't know anyone. By the third time, he should be more comfortable and he should have made minor connections. Involve him in a service project either based at school or in the community. To feel needed by doing for others gives us a purpose, identity, and great feelings of competency.
Even though he may have been more successful in the past at getting established, the social skills he needs change at each stage of development. I doubt that he is really antisocial. He seems merely unconnected. Once connected, he'll be more successful in school, as well.