Ask Dr. Ana: How Can I Support My Daughter Through Challenging Teen Years?
Question:
A parent is struggling with their 15-year-old daughter's unkind behavior, lack of apology, and issues like vaping and self-harm. They've tried counseling and are seeking practical advice but feel overwhelmed and fearful.
Dr. Ana’s Answer:
I am very sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult situation. I would like first to focus on you. Understandably, you are finding it very difficult to cope with. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you have some counseling yourself and if your partner is up to it, you could do it together. A therapist will help you deal with your own emotions and thoughts, keep a strong co-parenting team, and they will work with you to create guidelines to manage your relationship with your daughter.
Counselling Is Key
It is really good that your daughter is seeing the school counsellor every week. It would be a good idea for the counsellor to keep you informed about the progress she is making. If perhaps, the feeling is that your daughter needs further support, the counsellor could talk with her, given that they seem to have established a rapport. If there are concerns about her being autistic, perhaps the counsellor could discuss it with her, so she gets screened. The important thing is that your daughter works through the emotions she is experiencing. Remember that very often, self-harm is not the problem, the problem is that she is not able to deal with her emotions. Understanding why she is feeling the way she does, and then teaching her to regulate those emotions in a healthy way is very important.
I imagine that your daughter’s teachers know about what is going on at home. I would also encourage you to have regular meetings with her teacher, counsellor and your daughter to devise a plan to best support her. Ideally, you want to create a strong support system around her.
Keeping Perspective
Finally, I know that it is incredibly hard for us when our kids say things to hurt us. Try to remember that those hurtful words your daughter is using are not about you at all. Teenagers often say those kinds of things when they have feelings they don’t know how to cope with. Whenever she says something hurtful, try not to give her a strong reaction and remain firm in your position.
I am very sorry that you are going through this and from here I send you love. At REC Parenting, we have wonderful therapists to support you through this situation. If you want, get in touch with me and we will start supporting you from day one.
I wish you and your family all the very best,
Ana
Do you have questions for Dr. Ana? Ask for free today!
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Reader's Full Question
I am really struggling with my 15 year old daughter. As parents we are calm. We don’t shout or swear and always give her a reason why certain boundaries are in place (mainly around social media). But we are met with such unkindness. She will say some awful things that leave us reeling for days. There is never an apology for her words or actions (although we always recognise how she may be feeling and apologise when needed) and then we are expected to just move on without a resolution. We try to then discuss when things are calm but she shuts down.
We understand the reasoning part of her brain isn’t yet developed and we do believe she could be autistic (but she won’t go down the assessment route) so we know that’s another level of complexity. I struggle mainly because when she dysregulates and says hurtful things, it takes the wind out of my sails and I retreat. It leaves me unable to eat or sleep. We have had counselling together, which she didn’t like at all, and she sees her school counsellor each week too.
Currently we are dealing with vaping, going out without permission, stealing money from her sister, and general daily disrespect when she doesn’t like what we say. We choose our battles but she says she feels unloved. I ask why but she never has a firm reason. She’s never given us a solid answer. To add to this, she self harms, so parenting confidently is very hard to do, because we are so fearful.
I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just feel that I’ve searched for practical advice and nothing seems to work and I’m at breaking point. Many thanks for reading.
