Ask Dr. Ana: How Can I Help My Son with Social Skills and Discussing Sex?
Question:
A parent seeks guidance on assisting a their son with his social skills and discussing sex with him.
Dr. Ana’s Answer:
This is an important topic, and it is brilliant that you want to support your son.
It is never too early (nor too late) to talk about sex with our children. Rather than having ‘the talk’, it is better to have lots of little talks over time. Having regular conversations about it also sends the message that this topic is important and that it is a normal part of life.
Tips for Discussion
Each child is different so I cannot hand you a set script. What I can tell you is that the most important thing is for your son to know that he can ask you or tell you anything and you won’t get angry or judge him.
When discussing sex with your son, focus on a.) explaining the biology of it (e.g., vaginal sex, oral sex…), and b.) your own values around it (e.g., how a healthy romantic relationship looks like, consent, respect, intimacy…).
Be open and listen to him. Don’t judge him. Give him your opinion based on your own values and ask him if he agrees with you. If he doesn’t, be respectful. Let him know that you value his opinion, even if it is different from yours. Whatever he says, try not to overreact.
You don’t need to get everything right and you don’t need to know all the answers. What matters is to open the conversation. If you feel uncomfortable discussing sex, do it while going for a walk, driving, or cooking, that way you don’t have to make direct eye contact.
There are some resources you may find useful. We have two REC Parenting masterclasses around this topic:
- Teen Dating Violence with Dr. Kirsty Lee
- How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager with Dr. Tara Porter
There is also a book I really like called: This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained by Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett.
Now on how to help your son with his social skills. We aren’t born with our social skills; they need to be taught. Our children learn social skills by observing how we behave (e.g., how we greet others, how we worry about others, how we listen to others). And they also learn these skills, when we explicitly teach them (e.g., “You need to look people in the eye when you talk to them”).
Essential Skills
There are 10 social skills that I think are important to explicitly teach your son:
- Make eye contact.
- The ability to listen, not just hear.
- Talk to different people in different ways: we don’t talk in the same way to a teacher, an elderly person, or a friend.
- Respect everyone even if we don’t particularly like them or they have different values.
- Reading non-verbal communication: it is estimated that as much as 60% of communication is non-verbal, therefore the better we can understand it, the better we are able to communicate with others.
- How to communicate assertively but politely: this is the ability to express their feelings, act in their own interests, and stand up for themselves without being aggressive.
- Self-regulation: when we self-regulate well, we are able to react appropriately in every social situation we encounter. Research shows that children and teenagers prefer to be around those who can self-regulate well.
- Pay attention to how others react to you.
- Keep a conversation going.
- Find a balance between online and in-person socializing.
I hope this helps. Please do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you want further support. I wish you and your son all the very best.
Do you have questions for Dr. Ana? Ask for free today!
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