Ask Dr. Ana: Can Family Estrangement Affect My Granddaughter's Well-Being?
Question:
A grandmother is concerned about her estranged relationship with her granddaughter due to her son-in-law's influence, fearing it might cause the child abandonment issues. She seeks advice to support her granddaughter amidst family tensions.
Dr. Ana’s Answer:
I am very sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It is very tough. I am afraid that you are not alone in this situation. It is estimated that one in four American adults are estranged from a close family member. However, there is not much research on this topic.
Family Effects
The breakdown of family relations can be a result of many different issues: clashes in personality, differing expectations about family roles, abuse, neglect, substance use, politics or value systems. Very often, children end up being collateral damage when estrangement happens. It is difficult to know how this will affect your granddaughter because there is so much about her family life that we don’t know. What we know is that in general, family conflict and estrangement from family members tend not to be great for children. But all children are different, and they react in very different ways.
Direct Discussions
You may want to reach out to your son-in-law and have a conversation with him to see if your relationship can be repaired. If you end up having this conversation, try to keep an open mind, remain calm, and put yourself in your son-in-law’s shoes. If your daughter and son-in-law are open to it, you could also try for all of you to sit down with a family therapist to help you deal with what is going on and discuss how to move forward.
In the End
If nothing works and as painful as it may be, you may have to accept the decision of your daughter and son-in-law. This situation is hard for you to cope with. It is important that you process the feelings of grief and sadness that you may be experiencing.
If you want professional support, our excellent REC Parenting therapists are available to help you. Simply, get in touch with me. You may also find it helpful to connect with a grandparents’ online support group. There are quite a few these days. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Do you have questions for Dr. Ana? Ask for free today!
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Reader's Full Question
I have a 4 1/2 year old granddaughter that I was very close to. My husband called my son-in-law out about his drinking and adderall usage and he became outraged and stopped letting me see my granddaughter when she was 3 years, 6 weeks old to punish us. I had nothing to do with calling him out. My son-in-law is 100% narcissist. My granddaughter developed a stutter soon after my daughter and son-in-law stopped allowing me to see her. My daughter has been brainwashed by him but is finally coming around and has allowed me to see my granddaughter. My granddaughter was ecstatic to see me and my daughter videoed her reaction when she told her she was going to see me.
In Texas, grandparents basically have no rights to grandchildren. This has been tormenting. The stutter did improve gradually and she did go to a speech therapist. She still has some speech issues. I know that my granddaughter was also tormented by not being able to see me. She would come over to my house and on many occasions she spent the night with me several days in a row. She loved coming over and was always sad to leave, like most grandchildren are with their grandparents. My son-in-law seemed to be jealous of our relationship.
Will this affect my granddaughter as an adult? Will she have abandonment issues? I tried to keep contact with her by sending cards but my daughter would not give them to her. I had a sweet loving daughter but she is totally brainwashed and appears to be in a cult. At times, I believe my daughter would like to divorce her husband but she and I both do not believe the kids would be safe when he has custody.
How can I help my granddaughter? What issues will she have due to what appears that I abandoned her? She is being used as a weapon. It is heart wrenching. Can you give me any advice?
