What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
Traditionally, the field of psychology talks about four parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. More recently, other parenting styles, such as helicopter parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting, or free-range parenting have emerged.
In this article, we are going to explain what the research says about helicopter parents and how they influence their children.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting is a term first quoted in 1969 by Dr Haim Ginott.[1] It became more widely used in 1990 when psychologists Cline and Fay used it to define parents who ‘hover’ over their children, ready to rescue them from any problem and disappointment they may experience.
Essentially, helicopter parenting refers to a parenting style that is overprotective and controlling. Parents spend a lot of time and resources on their child, always placing their child’s needs above their own. Helicopter parenting has also been called ‘lawnmower parenting’ or ‘bulldoze parenting’.
Has Helicopter Parenting Always Existed?
It has been argued that helicopter parenting started to appear in the 1980s. A few societal changes happened at that time that explain why parents changed the way they raised their kids:[2]
- Increased awareness of child abduction: in 1981 a child named Adam Walsh was kidnapped in the US. With it, parents started feeling a fear of strangers.
- The creation of playdates supervised by parents: Until then, playdates were not really a thing. Children simply met to play in their neighbourhoods. They played outside under no adult supervision until their parents told them to come back home.
- The idea that children were not doing enough homework. In 1983, ‘A Nation at Risk’ was published stating that American children were failing against their peers across the world. Since then, children received more homework and parents started to at best, supervise it, and at worst, do it for them.
- The self-esteem movement: this movement originated in the US, promoting that the key for children to succeed is for parents to focus on who their children are rather than focusing on their outcomes.
Since then, helicopter parenting has become a cultural norm. Research has been conducted across the US, Europe, Asia and South America. Findings suggest that helicopter parenting is happening across all cultures and that is negative for children regardless of their culture.
Characteristic of Helicopter Parents
Parenting styles are rated based on two dimensions: warmth and demandingness.[3] To give you an idea of how this rating works, authoritative parents (the gold standard of parenting) score high in demandingness and high in warmth. In contrast, neglectful parents, score low in both dimensions.
Helicopter parents score high in warmth and very, very high in demandingness. They are overprotective and overcontrolling.
Are You a Helicopter Parent?
Helicopter parents tend to:[4]
- Fight their child’s battles: They involve themselves too much in their children’s lives.
- Do their child’s homework: In their quest to help their child, they may end up overstepping.
- Keep close tabs on their children: They may know or attempt to know everything about their child. From romantic relationships, friendships, to life at school.
- Be very concerned about safety: Parents may monitor their teenager’s phone and know where their child is at all times through their device.
- Blame others for their child’s failures: Helicopter parents may blame the teacher when the child has poor grades.
- Put a lot of pressure on their child: They tend to expect a lot from their child.
- Micromanage their child: they become involved in every aspect of their child’s life to protect them from pain and disappointment. In toddlerhood, the parent might not allow their child to be alone, through childhood they select their child’s friends and do their homework, and in adolescence they may call teachers to discuss poor grades.
What Are the Characteristics of Children Raised by Helicopter Parents?
They are more likely to:[5]
- Suffer anxiety.
- Suffer depression.
- Use prescribed medication: Children of helicopter parents are more likely to have mental health issues, and therefore they are more likely to be prescribed medication.
- Use recreational drugs: Drugs can be a coping mechanism for these children because they have not been allowed to develop effective coping mechanisms nor self-regulation.
- Feel generally worse.
- Have problems to regulate themselves.
- Have low self-efficacy: Self-efficacy refers to whether we believe we can solve our own problems. When you solve your child’s problems, you are giving them the message that they are not able to solve them on their own. At the same time, you are not letting them develop the necessary skills to solve those problems.
- Achieve poor academic results: Helicopter parents tend to reduce children’s intrinsic motivation to learn by placing more emphasis on extrinsic motivators (e.g., grades, rewards, parents’ approval).
- Develop a sense of entitlement: Because parents have always been there to help, children may get used to always having their way.
It is important to note that most studies find that teenagers and young adults raised by helicopter parents, are more likely to show some or many of these characteristics. This means that the effects of helicopter parenting could be long lasting.
However, does this mean that all children raised by helicopter parents will develop these characteristics? Not at all. I am explaining here what the research says but it does not mean that these findings apply to every single child.
Does this mean that having a helicopter parent is enough for children to develop anxiety and depression and all the other characteristics mentioned above? Probably not but we are not sure. There are many factors that explain why a child, or a teen develops these characteristics. Having a helicopter parent is a factor that it makes it more likely, but it is probably not enough on its own.
Why Is It Bad for Children to Have a Helicopter Parent?
Helicopter parents act from a place of love, but they lose perspective of their child’s needs and become too meshed with their children’s lives.
Helicopter parents tend to act from a place of fear. When parents are too controlling and protective, they are essentially sending the message to their children that they are not able to overcome and solve their own problems. They are telling them that they need help to deal with life. Helicopter parents prevent their children from developing resilience and self-confidence.
I Am a Helicopter Parent: How Can I Become More Authoritative?
- First, do not feel guilty. You are acting from a place of love.
- Know that we can change our parenting. It will not be easy but if you are ready to do the work, you will get there!
- Rather than trying to change everything at the same time, focus on changing specific behaviours.
- Gradually give your child space.
- Rather than making the decisions for your child, help them make decisions. Instead of telling them what assignment topic they have to do, discuss the options with them and let them choose (yes, even if you do not agree with it).
- Allow your child to make mistakes. This is tough, but children need to fail, so they can develop their regulation skills and become resilient. If you never let them fail, they will not be able to face the first problem they encounter and they crumble.
- Assign chores and age-appropriate responsibilities. Depending on their age, gradually start to assign them tasks. These can range from loading the dishwasher, taking out the bins, walking the dog, to making their own packed lunch and making their own way to school. You may need to teach them first how to do it, even if you think they should know how to do it (this process is called ‘scaffolding’).
- Our REC Parenting therapists can help you to become more aware of your parenting practices and help you develop strategies to become a more authoritative parent. Get in touch with me now and start working with your therapist tomorrow!
However, Research on This Topic Is Not That Simple…
- Most of the studies on this topic are correlational. What does this mean? It means that most studies find a relationship between helicopter parenting and negative outcomes for children, such as depression and anxiety but we cannot conclude for sure that helicopter parenting causes these effects. It could also be that children who for example, show depression or anxiety symptoms, provoke their parents to behave in a ‘helicopter’ manner. The way to know if helicopter parenting really causes those symptoms or if those symptoms cause helicopter parenting is to conduct longitudinal studies. Longitudinal studies take time and are expensive to run. So far, there are only a few longitudinal studies in this area. What did they find? That helicopter parenting causes anxiety and depression. However, more research is needed so that we can confidently trust the existing research.
- Another tricky topic when examining helicopter parenting is how it is measured. Many studies ask parents to report on their parenting style. The problem with this is that parents tend to paint a ‘better’ picture of themselves and therefore their reports may not be accurate. Other studies ask the children to report on their parents’ parenting. The problem with this is that children tend to give a harsher picture of their parents. Also, their recollection may not be accurate. In general, research finds that what matters most for children’s development is not what their parents think they are doing but what the children perceive their parents doing.[6] In other words, it does not matter much if you think you are a warm and supportive parent, if your child does not perceive you as such.
- It is also important to note that most studies only examine mothers, leaving fathers ignored. This leaves us with an incomplete picture of the family dynamics involving helicopter parenting and its effects on children.
We all want to protect our child from harm, but we must remember that the best way to protect our children is not to solve all problems for them but to teach them to solve their problems. We must let them fail, so they can learn to solve and cope with their problems. Let’s prepare our children to face the road, instead of making the mistake of trying to prepare the road for our children.
Lots of love,
Ana