Question:
How to deal with unsolicited advice from my own parents as a new parent
Dr. Ana’s Answer:
First of all, congratulations on your new baby. I hope you are both doing fine. And welcome to the “I am going to tell you how to raise your child” chapter of your life from anyone that comes across your path. Because the fact is that as soon as your baby is born, everyone has an opinion about how you should do it. It can be exhausting and infuriating, at a time when you are most likely feeling stretched and vulnerable.
I would make a distinction between when you are getting unsolicited advice from your parents than when you get it from any other person. It is still frustrating but remember that your parents are saying it from a place of deep love and because they genuinely want to help you and your baby. With the arrival of your baby, the family system has changed, and you all need to readjust to the new situation. You need to find your feet as a new mum and your parents need to find their place as grandparents. You all need to redefine your roles and boundaries now that your baby has arrived.
So, when your parents give advice try to set up your boundaries by redirecting the conversation. You can say things like:
- “I appreciate you want to help but I think I am going to try it my way first.”
- “I know that you have more experience than I do but I need to figure things out by myself.”
- “Thank you for your advice but I am happy with how I am doing it.”
- “I appreciate your advice, thank you.”
- “I know how much you care about the baby and me. I am figuring out what works best for us.”
You may find it difficult saying these things to your parents, but I don’t recommend that you stay quiet because at some point you may burst and explode, which could damage your relationship.
Life as a new mother is deeply ambivalent. You may be feeling elated, judged, angry, in love with your baby, frightened, happy, stretched, and everything in between. This is partly because the process of becoming a mother is still deeply misunderstood. This process is called matrescence and you can read more about it in this article: Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Ask Dr. Ana: How Can I Teach My Tween Daughter to Be More Respectful at Home?
Question: A parent is struggling with their 12-year-old daughter's rudeness at home despite her good behavior and academic success outside. They feel frustrated and are seeking advice on how to teach respect without resorting to harsh discipline. Read the Full Question Below Dr. Ana’s Answer: Dear Mark, Read More
I coach women going through the process of becoming mothers, because as you are experiencing, it is not easy. I would be more than happy to have a session with you (or any new mother reading) to discuss how you are doing and talk about any worry you have. You can get in touch with me here.
Lots of love,
Ana
Do you have questions for Dr. Ana? Ask for free today!
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