Magpie Parenting: What Is It About?
You may have heard about magpie parenting. In this article we tell you what it is and we give you the latest research and advice in case you are thinking of adopting this living arrangement.
What Is Magpie Parenting?
Magpie parenting (also known as bird nest parenting or bird-nesting) is a living arrangement where after a divorce or separation, the kids stay in the family home, while the parents rotate in and out of the property, taking it in turns to take care of the children.
The goal of magpie parenting is to provide children with stability during a time of massive transition. The children do not go between two homes, instead it is the parents who move between homes. The ex-couple have another house where they stay when they are not in the family home. Or they each have their own place. For some families, this is a temporary measure, whereas others may nest for years.
In the same way that birds fly in and out of the nest to take care of their little chicks, parents go in and out of the family home to take care of the children. It is a child-centred approach to co-parenting.
Magpie parenting has been quite common in Sweden since the 1970s. It has been around for a while in the U.S. and it is becoming increasingly popular in Europe, mostly amongst middle class families.[1] In 2016, Co-op’s Legal Services found that 11% of separated and divorced adults in the UK had tried magpie parenting.[2] In the UK, it became better known when Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka, made public in 2023 that they were birdnesting following their divorce. However, it is difficult to know the number of families living under this arrangement as census or residence surveys do not specifically ask about this type of living arrangement.
One possible reason for the rise in nesting agreements is the current economic climate. Birdnesting can be cheaper that having two family homes. Most couples keep the family home for the children to live in and either rent a flat together or stay with friends or family during their ‘off-duty weeks’. This option also avoids the immediate need after the divorce to sell the family home or to buy out the other parent.
Benefits of Magpie Parenting
- It provides children with stability. They sleep in the same bed and in the same bedroom every single night. There is no need for them to change schools, friends, nor do they change their everyday routing.
- Both parents remain very much involved in their children’s lives.
- It may benefit particularly children with special education needs and disabilities (SEND), who may struggle to live between two homes. Birdnesting allows SEND children to remain in a familiar place, with the equipment they need and their familiar routine. Parents do not have to duplicate medical or mobility equipment.
Problems of Magpie Parenting
- It requires a great deal of planning, organizing, cooperation, and creativity.
- It may not be the right option if there is a lot of conflict between the parents. The couple remains bound by logistics and finances. This means more chances for conflict to appear. You may end up arguing about whose turn was to buy milk or take the bins out.
- There need to be very clear and spelled-out agreements and clear boundaries.
- It can make it harder to move on. Think that you will still be sharing one or two houses. You need to decide whether you will be sleeping in the same bedroom or whether you will have different bedrooms. Your ex’s things will still be there. You will have less privacy and a time when you need to move on and distance yourself from your ex-partner.
- It may confuse children. As the parents are not completely independent from each other, children may hold onto dreams of their parents getting back together.
- It can become really complicated when a parent (or both) starts a new relationship.
- It may make sense short-term but long-term tends to get complicated.
Experts Are Divided on Its Impact on Children
Understanding the effects of birdnesting on children is difficult because it is a relatively new trend and therefore, we do not have comparative data. Some experts argue that it is better for children because it allows them to keep the same routine and to adapt to the divorce more slowly. On the other hand, others argue that it does not help children process the reality of the divorce. It has even been argued that magpie parenting is all about sheltering the children from the reality of divorce and that it does not help children to process their new family reality.
Although there is not much research examining magpie parenting, research comparing children living in joint physical custody arrangements (also known as shared custody) versus children living in sole joint custody arrangements may help us understand it better. In general, research shows that children benefit from having contact with both parents, therefore shared custody arrangements tend to be more beneficial for children. Shared physical custody is linked with children’s better psychological, physical, and socioemotional wellbeing as well as closer relationships with fathers (Nielsen, 2014).
But notice, that I say, ‘tend to’ and not ‘always’. A lot of how well children cope with divorce is down to the level of conflict between the parents and whether they can co-parent effectively.[3] When parents manage to have a good or at least an OK relationship, children benefit from going between one and the other. However, when the level of conflict between parents is high, it may be better for children’s mental health to live under a sole physical custody arrangement.
So, it seems that what matters for children is not so much whether their parents are nesting or whether the children themselves live between two homes, what matters is the quality of co-parenting.[4]
Why Is Co-Parenting Important?
Co-parenting is not the same as the quality of the parents’ relationship. It is broader because it involves the children. Co-parenting refers to the relationship between parents that goes beyond the romantic relationship. Parents who co-parent successfully are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children.
Research shows that co-parenting quality is a key factor determining mental health in children.[5] Co-parenting is key to maintaining family well-being and high-quality relationships between family members. Regardless of whether the parents are together or divorced, children whose parents work well together to raise them, tend to be better off during early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
If you are in a divorce process and would like support to develop good co-parenting skills, get in touch with me. Our therapists are here to support you and your family in this process. We will have a therapist ready to work with you within 24 hours.
You can read more on divorce here.
Love,
Ana
