Ask Dr. Ana: How Can I Teach My Tween Daughter to Be More Respectful at Home?
Question:
A parent is struggling with their 12-year-old daughter's rudeness at home despite her good behavior and academic success outside. They feel frustrated and are seeking advice on how to teach respect without resorting to harsh discipline.
Dr. Ana’s Answer:
Dear Mark,
Many thanks for getting in touch. I have four teenagers, so I totally get you! Coping with rude tweens and teenagers is tough.
Your daughter is entering adolescence, and this means that she has started a process called ‘individuation’. This means that she is separating from you while getting closer to her friends. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you or that she doesn’t need you anymore. What it means is that sometimes she finds it difficult to manage this new stage of her life. Don’t take it personally. Her rudeness is not about you. It’s about her finding it difficult to manage her emotions.
Being rude during adolescence is ‘normal’, which doesn't mean that it’s OK! Your role as parents is to teach her that it is not ok to be rude to you. Whenever she is rude, count to five and calmly say something like:
- “I just want to help you. Please say that again in a polite way so I can respond.”
- “I am sure that you don’t want to be rude but the way it came out was really rude, can you think about it for a minute and say it in a nicer way?”
- “The way you just talked to me was quite rude, shall we start this conversation again?"
It is very important that you say this in a calm and respectful manner. Think that you cannot ask for respect if you don’t respect her. Behave with her exactly how you want her to behave towards you. Doing this will not stop rudeness overnight but it will set the tone that you want to have in your house. If you are consistent and keep saying this every time she speaks to you in a rude way, she will change her tone.
You mention that your first reaction would be to wash her mouth with soap as your dad did to you. I totally get your point because it is difficult to break the patterns we grew up with, even if we know they are not right. But think that the important thing is not to escalate the situation and the best way to do so is to calmly but firmly, ask her to rephrase whatever she has said in a polite manner.
It is sometimes difficult as parents to keep our cool with our children. If you find yourself stuck in this situation, do get in touch with me. This is something we can work on in a few sessions.
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your family all the very best, Mark!
Ana
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- Ask Dr. Ana: How Can I Support My Daughter Through Challenging Teen Years?
- Why Are Teenagers So Selfish?
Reader's Full Question:
Hello, I would like to know your opinion on how to teach respect to a twelve year old girl. My daughter is an A student and is liked in school by friends and mothers and teachers. However when she is home she has episodes of rudeness to her mother and me and my answer would be soap in the mouth like my dad would have done to me, back then.
I know we can't do that but controlling my feelings is difficult when she is so quick to answer back in a rude way to her parents who do everything for her, please help.
Thank you,
Mark.
