Whenever I try to have a conversation regarding her choice of friends and being responsible and honest with me, she says I'm too judgmental and too strict. She was an honor-roll student two years ago and last year her grades went down. I want her to be more grounded and respectful of my values. I'm looking into therapy for her to help her deal with the divorce. I'm fearful that if I don't address what's going on, it might go beyond normal teen stuff. Everyone in both of our families is trying to offer as much support and love we can. How do I give her some of the freedom that she wants when I don't trust her?
The one thing you cannot control is who likes her and whom she likes, but you do have control on how you respond to her behavior. It is okay not to trust your daughter when she is not trustworthy. You should set the expectations, boundaries, and consequences for study and dating. Discuss with her your expectations and the consequences, and then follow through. An example would be her phone usage. If she is misusing the phone -- sneaking calls to friends, etc. -- a consequence would be to remove her phone. If you would like some help, there are some wonderful parenting books at your local library or your school counselor may have some, too. Parenting support groups are also a good avenue for ideas and for feeling less alone.
Getting your daughter in a children of divorce support group may be even more helpful than individual counseling. My guess is she will resist individual counseling, but I certainly think it is worth a try if a group is not available.
I applaud you for being aware that you must address these issues now. With a mom and family as supportive as you describe, you will find the best way to interact with your daughter and my guess is that she will surprise you with how well she has absorbed your and her father's values.
