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Q
We have a 10-year-old who is very, very smart. He has a straight A average and participates in several sports activities. He plays an instrument and is very good at it. He loves to play outdoors a lot with his friends and his brother. We have a big problem at home about his loudness. He seems to require a lot of attention when other adults are talking and when I sit down with the other child to help him with his homework. He has frequent outbursts when watching a movie or even the news. I have taken items away, punished him, and sent him to his room; none of these things seem to work. The very first thing we do is talk to him about this behavior which he continues . Do you have any other ideas? I also ask him if he wants to play a game or read, but he always refuses.
A
Your bright son has way too much power in your family. What are his goals for his inappropriate loudness? Yes, I said goals, because continuing behavior such as this in the face of having it disturb everyone and be punished, must have some strong needs behind it.

An immediate, obvious explanation for this behavior, which I'm sure you've already thought of, is that he has to be the focus of attention most of the time and has resorted to this behavior because IT WORKS! He has a deep need for you to pay the most attention to him if he's in the same room with you, not the TV, not his siblings, not other adults. He has developed the unhealthy and unrealistic expectation and desire to "run the show" any time he and his parents are together. Does this behavior happen when he's not in your company, when he's in school? I can't imagine he could make many friends if he consistently behaved like this with other kids.

Punishment hasn't worked and I would not expect it to. You need to continue to let him receive the natural consequences of this inappropriate behavior, which is to remove him from the social situation that he's disturbing and to let him know that he may return when he can show everyone common courtesy.

He's old enough for you both to have a few "heart-to-heart" dialogues with him about what to do about his behavior. I wouldn't preach to him or blame him during these conversations. I'd frame these discussions as times when you all are going to figure out how to get along better since you don't like having so many unhappy times and you're sure he doesn't want more of them either. I'd casually toss into the discussion a desire on your part(s) to have some regular special times with him, one on one (like going out for breakfast on the weekend) and ask him if he'd like that. Don't offer this as a bribe or a reward for stopping his loud behavior, just toss it in as a "By the way, I've been thinking how I miss doing things with you alone and I was wondering if you could fit doing some things together into your schedule". This suggestion may subtly break a "dance" of misbehavior he just won't let himself stop. Give it and the open-ended dialogues a try.

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