ADD: The Challenge for Parents and Siblings

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The Family Dynamics Audit
To plot the course of any journey you must first take note of your starting point. In determining how your family will best respond to the challenges you are facing, you need to begin with an understanding of your parenting style and your family's dynamics. The idea is not to make a judgment of what is right or wrong, or best or worst, in parenting styles. There are many family structures that work well. There will be no attempt to force a new parenting style on you or your family. The audit that follows is offered to help you gain an objective understanding of the underlying influences within your own home. Often parents tell me that they don't know what their style is, and that's understandable. They can easily recognize patterns in other families but they may need outside assistance in assessing their own. This audit can give you the tools you need to bring that outside perspective to your own life and situation.

Step One (for Parents Only)
From the following words (or more created by the family), each parent privately assesses his or her parenting strengths by circling the most descriptive (these perceptions might be reflections of your own self-image or of how the family has identified you in the past):

I.	II.	III.	IV.	V.	VI.
Assuring	Supportive	Judgemental	Mother Hen	Needy	Stern
Patient	Watchful	Traditional	Surrendering	Dependent	Tense
Determined	Listener	Directive	Sympathetic	Manipulative	Self-absorbed
Helpful	Indirect	Expectation	Permissive	Limited	Director
Coach	Negotiator	Structured	Nonthreatening	Sick	Whimsical
Teacher	Equal	Impatient	Moral	Receiving	Funny
Lecturer	Partner	Ambitious	Accepting	Baffled	Dramatic

Step Two
In a family meeting, allow the children to decide which descriptions pertain best to each parent, using examples if possible. It might also be helpful for the children to voice how they react to the parent's trait or expression. Again, this is not about blaming anyone or criticizing anyone. The goal is to assess how a family functions so we can later determine the best approach to handling the needs of the child with ADD. Please note that there is no need for consensus or agreement for each description. This is simply an opportunity to communicate observations within the family.

Step Three
Determine which of the following parent types describes your style, based on at least four traits circled in one category. It is permissible and recommended to have your family help you judge between these six types for which best matches your parenting style, either in a group discussion or from a personal survey. There may be more than one style, since there are overlapping approaches, and it is possible to have as many as three at different times.

Descriptions of Parenting Styles

I. The Teacher. This style is based on a perception that the parent adopts the role of teacher of his or her children. This teaching includes specific values and philosophy, cultural attitudes (such as relationships between the sexes and other groups), as well as the proper ethics and manners for the accomplishment of goals. The parent maintains this role for life.

II. The Supporter. Most parents can be described as supportive, but this parenting type maintains the attitude that the child's destiny is beyond one's control. The parent sees himself or herself in the role of supporting the child as he develops his talents and abilities. The Supporter truly reveres the child and may offer advice on achievement strategies, but there are few or no expectations as to the final outcome of the child's direction.

III. The Molder. This type of parent has specific expectations and hopes regarding what the child will become and how he will behave. The parent may have formed career or cultural expectations for the child before the child was even born, and has determined the roles to be played by a child of the family.

IV. The Guide. This permissive type of parent feels a child should be free to grow and express her talents with minimum interference or control from the parent. The parent may employ punishment or guilt to motivate the child to maintain values and behave in acceptable ways, but mostly this parent plays a more passive role. The overriding concept is that if the parent helps the child develop strong values and moral guidelines, they will serve to guide her throughout life. The underlying concept is that control infringes on creativity and individuality, so this parent avoids overt controls in order to reduce the risk of rebellion, resentment, and anger from the child.

V. The Dependent. This parenting style effectively reverses the traditional role of parent and child. At an early age the child has to learn to serve the parent's needs. The child, then, becomes caretaker to the parent, who, for whatever reason--poor relationships, childhood issues, health problems--has a dependent personality.

VI. The Monarch. This type of parent covets center stage in the family. His or her needs are primary. The needs of every other family member are secondary. Often, this type of parent experiences dramatic mood swings that require constant adjustments from other family members to avoid conflict. Every day is a crisis for this parent, and every change creates turmoil because the parent feeds on being center stage.