ADD: The Challenge for Parents and Siblings

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Our parents are our primary role models, for better or worse. This tends to promote a parenting style lineage. Of course, our spouse's parenting style influences us too. It can reinforce, modify, or cancel out the influences from our own mothers and fathers and other sources.

Still, at any point in our lives as parents, we can learn new methods and approaches that help us change unhealthy or ineffective parenting patterns. The following information, then, may help you adjust your own parenting style so that you can be more effective in dealing with your child's ADD:

I. The Teacher. The strengths of this style offer some very good opportunities for the child to manage his or her ADD conditions. The Teacher parent will tend to view ADD as a challenge but not an insurmountable one. This optimistic and proactive approach can be a wonderful asset for the child.

The downside to the teaching parent's approach is that such parents may tend to form unrealistic expectations of the child. The best approach with an ADD child is to understand both her potential and her limitations without putting undue pressure on her to perform beyond her capabilities. I will offer more in-depth guidelines on educational strategies in Chapter Fifteen.

II. The Supporter. The Supporter parent tends to accept without qualification a child's strengths and weaknesses. That is a blessing when dealing with ADD children because it allows them to develop to the best of their abilities without being pressured to live up to parental expectations. In raising my three children, I was often struck by how they developed talents and interests that I'd never anticipated them developing. It has also struck me that if I'd pushed them into areas that I chose, I probably would have frustrated them and stifled their creativity. This is especially true in the case of children with ADD, who do not respond well to being pushed beyond their abilities or to being closely controlled.

Most children do inherit certain characteristics and traits from their parents, but each child is much more than the sum of her genetic parts. By acknowledging that children with special skills and limitations have special needs and unique goals, we can help them exceed their own expectations and even ours. This is not to say that parents cannot make demands or set goals for children with ADD, but the best approach is to encourage these children to look for opportunities within their grasp.

The limitations of this parenting style may be the willingness to accept the child's performance based on her motivation, rather than the parent's expectations. The ADD child needs more guidance than most.

III. The Molder. This demanding style of parenting has the advantage of providing a clear structure for development. This is especially important for children with ADD because they are often confused by more flexible boundaries. All children need boundaries and clearly defined expectations. Often they act out in inappropriate ways because no one has made the boundaries clear to them.

Yet there is danger in the Molder style because such parents may tend to have expectations that the child cannot fulfill. The problems of high expectations are compounded when a child has a diagnosis of ADD because he often learns in ways unfamiliar to his parents. Without a path that can be usable to the child, any goal appears unattainable. Too often we, as parents, forget to teach the steps and remember only the end results.

Most of the children I have worked with and assessed have expressed the emotional pain of not living up to their parents' expectations. There is a deep desire in every child to make his parents proud. But more troubling to me is that the children's despair is often justified by their parents' disappointment in them.

IV. The Guide. With this permissive parenting style the strength is the bond of loyalty between parent and child. A child with this type of parent often is blessed with the sense that whatever she does, the Guide parent will be there to offer forgiveness, sympathy, encouragement, and support. The downside is that children with Guide parents often act out because of the lack of enforced boundaries and guidelines. In some cases, such children may develop the attitude that they can do no wrong because the parent is so nonjudgmental.

While it is valuable for a child to feel unconditionally loved, this type of parent can place the child in a difficult position. Such parents abdicate too much control, particularly in the case of the child with ADD, who needs distinct guidelines. In my experience, Guide parents are afraid to discipline their children, especially one with ADD, because of their confusion between structure and punishment. Theirs is the child with ADD that everyone learns to dread because of the lack of boundaries.

V. The Dependent. Interestingly enough, children who grow up under this parenting style often learn how to give and nurture in their adult lives. They have relationship skills and, often, deeply held spiritual beliefs. Children with ADD who've been raised by a Dependent parent usually put the needs of others before their own.

Basically, the Dependent retreats from his or her responsibilities and forces the child to act in the role of parent, enacting a role reversal. For example, an ailing mother becomes dependent on her daughter for care. This may be merely convenient in the short term, but it can be harmful over the long term.

The parental pattern promotes the sickness concept in a child, in which symptoms serve as sources of power. In other words, attention can be directed to the one with disease, and ADD can become a basis for attention instead of a set of problems to overcome. If this dynamic continues unchecked, the child has no motivation to overcome the challenges of ADD and may even hold on to the condition as a source of power. This result is not invisible to siblings, who are also in need of power. The disastrous outcome is the continuance of the behavior into adulthood.

VI. The Monarch. The strengths of the Monarch parenting style lie in the command-and-control decision-making process. Often quick and decisive direction is vital in dealing with a child with ADD. The Monarch is decisive and generally not afraid to delegate or to put together a team when confronted with a problem, and that can be of great benefit to the child.

However, problems can arise when the Monarch parent is self-involved, which tends to be the case. The ADD child's needs are such that they often require a parent's full attention--and Monarch parents are often incapable of maintaining that sort of focus on anyone other than themselves. Interestingly, this type of parental style often occurs when one or both of the parents is also afflicted with ADD.

The benefits of this parenting style lie in two regions, correctness and concern for the child. If the parent is using his assertions with correct information, there can be a very favorable outcome because there is so much investment and focus, even if it is the parent who is making the decisions "for" the child. It reminds me of the story of the old man who "taught boys how to be men," in which he asserted responsibilities and courage. The boys who he taught had high praise for his teaching; however, if he had given them wrong information, it might have been disastrous, as it has been for many emotionally disturbed children. The second consideration is that the focus of concern needs to be the child and not the goals of the parent. Even very obsessive parents can be important when their child needs such a warrior for their needs.